Marriage seminar I
I went on an overnight marriage seminar by myself. (Weird, I know.) The explanation is that I was one of the people who was supposed to give some input, but as is often the case with these things, one of the best parts of it was being able to sit and learn from others.
At the seminar, Keith Condie pointed us in the direction of researcher John Gottman, a man who's run a Love Lab for the last 30 years. This isn't as sleazy as it sounds. He's invited couples to this place—an ordinary house—where all conversations are recorded except for those that happen in the bedroom or the bathroom.
After 30 years of this work, Gottman is convinced that he can predict with 96% accuracy the way in which a conversation is going to end up just by listening to the first three minutes of interaction.
The key is that the conversation will end badly with an almost terrifying inevitability, if the first words spoken are harsh. For example,
“Why are you wearing that?!”
“So, you decided to come home at last.”
“Where do you think you're going?”
“I can't believe you said that in front of everyone.”
An angry start-up leads to a defensive reaction. The defensive reaction leads to a further accusation. The spiral continues downward.
A harsh start-up involves more than just words. They include tone of voice, (sarcastic, heated) facial expression (eyeball-rolling, glaring, grimacing) and a great range of nuances that only careful observers, such as the parties in the relationship, might be aware of.
There were at least two things I learnt. One was the obvious one: I should watch how I start a conversation—with my wife, or with anyone. The writer of Proverbs, not surprisingly, knew this a long time ago, when he said
A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.(Prov 15:1)
The other thing I was reminded of was how much we need to pray to the Lord Jesus to give us his Holy Spirit, and to give us a spirit of self-control and gentleness. Anger may or may not be justified, but my human nature is such that anger almost always leads to sin.