So long and thanks for all the fellowship

Thank you for Simon Flinders's timely and perceptive article on the difficult problem of leaving church. His five biblical principles are indisputable, and contain the crystal clarity of a mountain stream. The problem I have is that at the point of leaving a church, the stream has usually become so muddied with personalities, culture, traditions, liturgies, music and a host of other peripheral matters, we can no longer discern the principles. To put it another way, Simon has created the clinically straight lines of the Underground or Metro map. But that map is the last thing on our minds when we struggle to leave the train in the middle of a summer rush hour.

I say the foregoing as a result of my own experiences in leaving church. With no hint of satisfaction, I confess that in the last 30 years, my wife and I have found it necessary to move church three times, and unfortunately, we are currently contemplating a fourth move. For us, no move has come about because of a blatant transgression of Simon's five principles; rather, it has been a sequence of small, sometimes imperceptible changes—none of which in themselves has been significant. Small changes carry with them three key difficulties:

1. They are hard to detect, or can only be detected a long time after the change was initiated.
2. Because they are small and occur over a long period, it is easy to forget how far we have moved.
3. We stand to be accused of leaving over a trivial matter, which it may well be. But it is the last straw.

In leaving situations, I have sat on both the side of the leaver and the side of the church leader. In my experiences as leaver, only one out of three churches came and explored the reasons for leaving. On the other side, as a church leader, I have watched on in despair as senior leaders have rationalized every departure rather than follow Flinders's excellent ‘practical suggestions’. Time after time, I have heard phrases like “They always had problems fitting in” or “They had personal difficulties”. I have never heard a resignation letter read out to the whole church—which is testimony to the appalling fact that in many churches, ‘the leadership’ view themselves as different from ‘the rest of the church’. In fact, in several churches, news of departures was suppressed until the said individuals failed to appear in the church role or membership list the following year.

In my business life, I spend some of my time advising companies of the benefits of analyzing failures. Such analyses are a key factor in moving forwards. Great companies face up to their failures and learn from them; they neither bury nor deny them. It is no accident that Scripture abounds with ordinary people who failed. Their failure was examined by a loving Father, and those who heeded his advice became great. Do we need any more encouragement to use the six practical suggestions from the article?

Finally, by God's amazing grace, my wife and I still fellowship with churches we have left. We took the view that even though we found it difficult to be yoked together because of our own sinful natures, we have a glorious future together.

Name withheld (11/12/2009)

I found your review of Not Under Bondage to be very narrow-minded and sad. Personally I am a Christian, and have been married to a man who professes to be a Christian and who justifies abusing me and our son with biblical references. Should I stay? I have sought wisdom from several (a dozen or so) Christian pastors, counsellors, psychologists, doctors, and so on, and my husband has sought counselling and other doctors, but nothing has changed his abusive attitude. It is not just me; he is abusive to all people around him, but his justification of abuse to me and our son is strengthen by his reading of the Bible. His father and his grandmother have the same interpretation of the Bible. Should one stay when one's life is at risk? Am I now rejected from God, according to your interpretation, because I left to protect my son and myself? I think your review of this book was from the perspective of people who lack understanding of abusive relationships. I heavily suggest that you take time to reconnect with those that you criticize and judge.

Name withheld (06/01/2010)

I want to say thank you for printing the review by John Diacos of Barbara Roberts's book Not Under Bondage.

Being a wife and living in that sort of bondage for 38 years with a husband who professed to be a Christian when we married, I understand what it is like to be in an abusive marriage. I could not find anywhere in Scripture that gave me the right to leave my husband. The bottom line was “Love your enemies, do good to them that hate you and pray for them that persecute you” (Matt 5:44, Luke 27-28). I had made a promise before God to love and obey until death us do part. My husband did die, but not before God was finished using him for good in my life to make me more like Christ.

It wasn't easy, and I was an awful slow learner, but God was faithful, and I can see that God used my husband to bring about the desires of my heart, which was to have a husband who would lead me closer to God. He sure did; it's just that it was from a negative perspective.

With regards to remarriage, I see that in 1 Corinthians 7:15, Paul is talking about a partner leaving. If that includes remarriage, then that would be against all that he and Jesus taught.

Name withheld (06/01/2010)

I think we need to acknowledge the pain of those who have been or continue in abusive marriages, like our two correspondents. As a church community, we need to sympathize with victims and call the perpetrators to repentance—and this is the timely call issued by Not Under Bondage.

My major criticism of Not Under Bondage was that the central argument of the book (that abusive marriages are grounds for divorce) gave inadequate weight to the biblical context. Any advice on divorce should acknowledge that biblical teaching overall argues for the maintenance of marriage, even in the light of the sin that characterizes all relationships. I therefore suggested that this argument was unbalanced and unhelpful, especially for the many couples I counsel in difficult marriages who struggle to find anyone who will encourage them to persevere.

However, I also acknowledged that unrepentant, sinful ways of relating can make continuing in marriage impossible. Divorce can therefore be the painful last resort in some circumstances including in abuse. The critical information we need to be guided by is “What does God say about marriage and divorce?” While there are biblical grounds for divorce, my critique was directed against the particular argument advanced in Not Under Bondage.

John Diacos of Reservoir, VIC, AUS (01/02/2010)

Simon Flinders's article (‘When it's time to go’, Briefing #374) was a great piece that applied Scripture to a very real and everyday pastoral issue. I was especially encouraged by the way Mr Flinders made clear that leaving a church is no small activity and that meeting with fellow believers is a matter of great privilege. It was also heartening to read that when the local church meets, the focus should be on the believer. Oh, that many ministers (here in the UK) would heed this advice!

Kip' Chelashaw of Surrey, UK (10/02/2010)